reevaluating

Since becoming pregnant and then going through the miscarriage, I've had plenty of time to think. While I was pregnant for those 10 weeks, I started noticing things. Things in my day-to-day life that made me nervous to have another baby. Don't get me wrong, I wanted that baby. If I were still pregnant, I would find a way to figure it out. To work around the challenges.

But still, there were definite issues popping up. Like how much and how often I have to pick up and carry Noah. It may be hard to tell from pictures on a blog, but Noah measures at 3 and 1/2 ft tall. He weighs 42 lbs. My little toddler isn't little by any means. He's a tall, hefty kid.
Unfortunately, there wasn't really any way around it either. Noah doesn't quite understand certain directions. So when I ask him to get in his car seat, he'll just start goofing off and looking for toys he dropped in the floorboard. I was having to physically pick him up and put him in his car seat. Sometimes when we're out, he'll see a pile of rocks or dirt that he'll want to play in. Obviously, if we're in a parking lot or some other not-so-safe area, this isn't too convenient. The only way for me to separate him from the dirt is to pick him up and carry him away. It made me worry, but I kept telling myself that my body was used to it (and it is, you should feel my arm muscles).

I also started worrying about Noah's sleep issues.
Autism plus a newborn was going to give a whole new meaning to sleep deprivation. Noah has been doing slightly better. He still stays up way too late, but at least he's starting to sleep for solid chunks of time again. However, it's not always consistent. Last Saturday night, Noah went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 4am. He didn't go back down until 9am.
Throw a newborn into that ridiculousness, and you might as well have gone ahead and ordered me some purple pills. This momma was going to need 'em.

Like I said, I would've figured it out. But while I was pregnant, I gained some perspective. I realized that even though I'm emotionally ready... logistically? Yeah. So not there yet.

I talked to my OB about my concerns at my last follow-up. I asked her about picking Noah up (she's met him), and her response was, "Well, you wouldn't want to be picking him up often or on a daily basis..."
And that just confirmed it.

Noah has come a long way in just a few months. There's no telling where he'll be in another few months, or even a year. But I've definitely decided that babies are going to be put on hold for a little while longer. I've said before that I'm not on any sort of schedule or time frame. My two siblings and I are all spaced apart by at least 7 years. Last weekend, I photographed a family with a 6 yr old and a 3 mth old. I've never thought that I've had to had my kids really close together, and I certainly don't think that now. Every family is different, and right now for my own health and sanity, we're going to remain a little family of three for a little bit longer. :)