People Pleaser

I've always had this overwhelming desire to please everyone. As a kid, I wanted to please my teachers: make the good grades, write excellent papers, and be well-behaved. I've (almost) always done exactly what I was told. I wanted my parents, teachers, pastors, friends, etc to all be proud of me and to like me. When my parents split up, I swallowed all emotion and said, "ok". No questions, no concerns, just "ok". I wanted my parents to be happy, and I knew that what they wanted from me was an "ok". I'm sure I had that one wrong. They probably wanted me to be more open, but I just wanted the conversation to be over with and the whole process to be over with asap.
As I got older, trying to please everyone got a little harder, especially having two totally different families. I wanted them all to like me, but I felt like I was losing myself. This is when the whole riding horses thing really came in handy. It was a good stress reliever... except I really wanted my teacher to be impressed.

Anyway, not much has changed about me, unfortunately. I still have this need to please others. But now? Now it's much harder. I have too many different people to make happy. It's like I'm trying to put myself into all of these different boxes. Whenever I'm with one group, I sit in a certain box. I know how they want me to act, so that's how I act. Because then they'll like me. When I switch groups, I hop into a different box. Because that's how they like me.
I have to behave a certain way, look a certain way, think a certain way. Every decision I make must be the "right" one, otherwise someone is disappointed. I'm not free to mess up. I can't make any mistakes. If I do, I panic. I'm afraid of what people will think. I'm afraid of whatever lecture may be coming my way. Like a freaked out 16 year old, waiting for her parents to find out she wrecked the car. And then it gets really tricky... one important person in my life may want me to do one thing, but then another person doesn't agree. Who do I follow? Either way, someone will be upset with me. And then I'll be busy making excuses as to why I made a certain choice, knowing the whole time I'm being judged for my decision. I've actually asked people why so-and-so can get away with their mistakes, but it seems to be magnified for me if I mess up. Their answer? People expect more from me.
So basically, I've set the bar so high for myself that being human isn't an option.
To be honest, it's exhausting. It's stressful. And I've realized I can't keep this up. A long time ago, my godmother came up to me before I left her house one morning. As sincerely as she could, she told me, "You know, I've spent my whole life trying to please everyone. And you know what happens? Everyone else is happy, except for you." I have never, ever forgotten that.

So while I'm an "adult" now, I'm not perfect. God gave me specific talents that I'm to use for his glory. But I still have weaknesses. I'll probably always be scatterbrained, slightly disorganized, and sometimes self-centered. I'll most likely spend more than I meant to every now and then. I'll more than likely not meet someone else's standards. And you know what? That's ok.
Last night, I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. I felt like no matter what I did, I was always going to let someone down. I felt trapped and miserable. I started to pray, asking God for some help. His reply: "I love you just the way you are." And I cried.
This song popped in my head last night, and I haven't been able to shake it since. It basically talks about how we're not perfect, as hard as we may try. And God knows that. While He wants us to obey Him, we're never going to be perfect. It's impossible, which is why Jesus came for us. If we were able to be perfect on our own merit, we would have no need for Christ. He loves us, plain and simple. We're going to fall down; we're going to make the wrong choices. And while He may not quite like the choice we've made, it doesn't mean He stops loving us. And really, when it all comes down to it, it's ultimately the Lord I should be trying to please anyway.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you,

he wll quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with his singing." Zephaniah 3:17

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,

neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth,

nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us

from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

"...God's demand for perfection need not discourage you in the least

 in your present attempts to be good, or even in your present failures.

Each time you fall He will pick you up again.

 And He knows perfectly well that your own efforts are never

going to bring you anywhere near perfection."

- CS Lewis, Mere Christianity



Free to Be Me
(Francesca Battistelli)

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream

A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see
(Chorus)

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt
(Chorus)
And you’re free to be you
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

(Chorus)