A few days ago, Kelle Hampton wrote a post on potential... the thrill of creating something out of nothing, of having a perfectly clean home, or learning a new art. Potential comes with excitement. I love collecting unique ideas. Before I found the miracle of pinterest (follow me!), I would literally cut out pretty images and articles from magazines and store them away for later. You should've seen my "wedding book". I redid the entire "planner", added sections and pasted pictures all over it. Something about the hope of wanting to be more and do more and create more.
And then Monday night happened.
Brad and I were
Before we got married, I was able to handle a lot. In college, I was able to make A/B's, work, have a social/family life, help my parents with my brother and sister, and be an unofficial nurse to my ailing boyfriend. After college, I worked retail... both store side and office side. I worked my way on up and was juggling all kinds of roles. Sure, it was a small, family-owned business; but it was still plenty of responsibility for one person.
Yet now?
I've let myself go.
Not physically (well... not completely, anyway), but mentally.
It's like I've given up. I do enough to get by... enough to where it's not quite up to par, but nobody would be disgusted if they walked in our home.
And while I wanted to give him a big smack on the mouth for telling me I wasn't living up to my potential here at home... he was right.
The thing is? We're 100% honest with eachother. We hold eachother accountable. We always have. And while this wasn't what I wanted to hear (and to be honest made me so mad my redneck, southern twang came back...), he had a point.
He admitted to falling short too. And like most people, I was SO wanting to turn it all around on him. It's human nature (hello, Adam and Eve?). But I couldn't. This was about me this time. Not him.
How is it possible that I could do SO much professionally? Working late nights, then coming home to help take care of my dog and see my boyfriend and still keep things somewhat tidy? I could do all of this but I can't keep up with a house and toddler?? What's wrong with me??
I got apathetic.
During the first few months of our marriage, I would nag Brad about leaving dishes out or throwing his dirty laundry wherever. He accused me of always fussing at him. So I left it alone. If I tried to keep up with it myself? He would tell me to worry about it later, that he wanted to go do something fun. I figured if he didn't care, then why should I?
A few years later, and I've picked up his bad habits. We don't live in a total pigsty, but our house has never really been up to my standards. I grew up with a severe OCD, clean freak mother. My dad is also extremely clean. I've never seen a man spend his Saturdays dusting shelves and vacuuming the way my dad did. So I admit, my standards are high... but they're definitely attainable.
I also realized that there are many days where I want to escape our home. Complaining that I "need to get out!" While this is certainly understandable (can I get a amen, SAHMs??), I wasn't trying to escape boredom. It was that our home wasn't cozy or a place I wanted to stay. I'm naturally a homebody. But when I was at home, all I saw was insurmountable clutter and chores.
Brad assured me that he now understands why I nagged him in the beginning. He understands how I got to where I was. Since then, he has not once gotten annoyed with me for reminding him to wash his pan with egg residue from breakfast... because if I didn't eat it? I shouldn't have to clean it.
As my mom so frequently said when we were young... "I am not the maid."
This is a family task. Not a female task.
Tuesday morning, I woke up resolved to take my house back. Make it mine. Make it a place where I want to live and cook and hang out. Keep up with the daily stuff, so I can have time to start (and finish!) projects. I reminded myself that Noah will live if he has to wait a few more minutes before we can go out to play, just for me to finish cleaning our dishes from breakfast. I don't have to be a constant source of entertainment for him. He has to learn how to entertain himself. Not always of course, but definitely sometimes, just so I can accomplish a few things.
So Tuesday, I went to read a few blogs... and there was my bloggy buddy Susan writing, not just about dreaming of potential, but living up to it. And learning to accept the things that we love right now, even if it doesn't quite match up to that dream home or dream vacation or dream body that we envisioned.
And as if I needed any more confirmation that the Lord had been involved with this lesson all week... there was a teaching on potential this morning as I headed out in the car.
You'll be happy to know that my home is now looking the way I want it to. Almost anyway. It may mean I'm vacuuming 35095346 times a day, but bydingy, my floors will look nice. Counters are clean. Laundry is clean, folded, and put away the same day. And miraculously, I've had extra time to spend with Noah, weed our garden, and hang out with our dogs. It's been awesome.
I even made a little reading nook for him. It's not as cool as several I've seen on pinterest, such as this...
But I still think it's pretty cute.
And it serves its purpose. Noah plops down and can easily grab his favorite books.
Eventually, we're going to turn the spare bedroom/office into a play room/office, so I'll amp it up a little more. But it works for now.
I highly encourage the whole self-evaluation stuff, finding out what you're capable of, and then living it out. I've gotten my brain back. I remember more and accomplish more. It makes for a much happier day. :)
Plus, I surprisingly have way more time to hang out with this little guy.
4 comments:
Awesome post. And amen to everything you said. It is so EASY to take a backseat and let things just go by because you're comfortable. But what I've learned that if you aren't progressing upwards, you're falling backwards. I've done plenty of this reevaluation of myself in the past few months and I feel like myself again. I still hate making "those phone calls" and being nasty (I'd rather have Ryan do it), but I can feel my feisty self coming back. Good for you. And thanks for being honest. I need to be more honest on my blog sometimes. Yall are awesome.
i think this is a topic that as we women we will continue to have to come back to. there's always that temptation to need to be or do more... our curse i guess. lol
so glad you're finding freedom to do what you need and want to do this week! yay! love his little reading nook, too. so fun :)
I've been not fulfilling my potential for years now. At one point, it was definitely a total apathy towards prior standards. Now it's just I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ANYTHING.
Good for you, though, for seeing it, and for figuring out a way to make change work for you.
Ps. Is that second pic his reading corner? Cause if so it's SUPER cute.
Good for you if you truly have the energy and what-not to do more. However, don't underestimate how much a child can sap you of your energy and derail your plans. ABM and I used have those conversations when I was a SAHM, and it really hurt my feelings when he would assume I could do more when I couldn't.
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