sad.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a routine check-up... get some blood drawn, get a flu shot, etc. They do a lot of ultrasounds at my OB office, so she went ahead and wheeled in the machie wanted to get a good look at the baby, check the heartbeat, and make sure we were both doing okay.

 

Unfortunately, there was no heartbeat.

 

While I know things will be okay, and my emotions will get back to normal eventually, right now I'm just so very sad. And disappointed.

I hate that I was alone when I found out, other than Noah who was too busy leaning against the window, enjoying the cool view of the city. But my OB is amazing.

She's a mom and gets it. She kept telling me over and over how sorry she was. Then she gave me the biggest hug, promising me that it was nothing I had done or didn't do. She proceeded to explain my options, and she told me to call her at any time if I needed her for anything. I was told how this is more common than people think (it's just not talked about much, which is stupid).

At this point, I've opted to let my body handle everything naturally. It just seems like the least scary/painful choice.

 

I did a decent job of holding it all together, more for Noah than for myself. I didn't want to freak him out and make him associate that place with mommy crying.

Although if you're ever in a situation like this, I don't recommend trying to drive while this upset. The sadness would come in small hits, and it was difficult to pay attention (and at some points see beyond the tears).

 

The hardest part though (aside from the actual news) was waiting for Brad to get home from work. Technically, he was scheduled to have yesterday off, but then the store needed him for some big visit. After being there for 10 hours, I was hoping he'd be headed home. But no. Target likes to put a massive damper on our lives at important times. And it's not like I could text him and be all "Come home ASAP" or "I need you", because then he'd know. I definitely did not want my husband to find out via a text message.

As soon as he got out of the store, he called. His first words were, "So how did the doctor's go?" And I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Somehow he heard my words, even though they probably didn't come out sounding the way I wanted.

We're doing okay. Just sad, mixed with some hurt and anger (the news got out on FB before we were ready to share). Just keep us in your prayers, for peace and forgiveness.


"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord" Job 1:21