For the most part, I'm doing okay. I don't tend to dwell on things that make me sad or angry. It's a coping/survival mechanism. Put on a happy face and all that. However the flip side is that I've learned through the years to bottle up how I feel. I push the feelings way down so people won't make me uncomfortable by asking personal questions. Even though I know the intentions are good, I'm a pretty private person. I try to choose what I share very carefully and to whom. There are all kinds of reasons as to why I'm like this, but like I said, I try not to dwell on the negative. Let's just say I'm broken (heck, who isn't?) and God puts me back together on an almost daily basis.
For the most part, I'm doing really well. I'll go a couple of weeks without even thinking about it...
And then there are the reminders.
Friends and family who are due the same time I was. Glowing, smiling, happy faces with perfect beating hearts and round bellies. Constant updates from pregnant friends or people who just had babies. Heck, just a Kelle Hampton post with adorable newborn pictures of her baby boy get to me.
It stings.
That's really the only way I can put it.
I don't resent my friends. Not at all. In fact, I'm extremely happy for them.
I didn't get upset or angry at the newborn shoot I did a few weeks ago. In fact, it was a little therapeutic.
But the fact remains that I was expecting to be halfway through a pregnancy by now. I was ready to plan a nursery. We were already playing with names. And to go through the nausea and fatigue and heartburn... and have nothing to show for it? Yeah, it kind of sucks.
Found this lurking around the blogosphere the other night, and it resonated with me...
“Because the truth is that once you see that second pink line…you set a place at the table for your baby.” - Jeanette
It's true.
Life goes on, and thankfully, I have a dang good life to lead. But I try to be real on here, just in case someone happens to come across this blog, wondering if it's weird that they're still sad about their miscarriage after several months have gone by?
Yeah, you're totally normal. Grieve, even when it strikes in odd moments and places. And know that there's still hope. Your story isn't over yet, and God has a great way of turning sadness into joy. Winter into Spring. Crucifixion into a Resurrection. Law into Grace. If you're a believer, you know there's a happy ending anyway. It may not always look the way you thought or how you originally wanted, but it's always good. Because He is good.
via
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23
4 comments:
Beautifully written. The grieving process is so hard. Especially when some people think that a miscarriage isn't that big of a deal and you shouldn't be sad anymore. Well, guess what, it IS hard. I found myself really questioning everything after my molar pregnancy and I didn't think I would ever have another child. You get to a point though when you know you're ready to try again. As my mom said once after one of my manyyyyy dr apts, you need to become friends with your uterus again. So my advice to you. Don't hold it in. Keep smiling. And become friends with your uterus again :-) xoxo
It's sooo true, Hailey. I love that quote. I always said, the second you see those two lines, you can see your whole life planned out. It's hard to change that, and that's the part that hurts. It's totally ok and normal to feel this way. love ya, lady.
Wow what a beautiful post. That quote is so true. You are strong woman! I admire your faith. Noah is lucky to have you for his mamma.
It's been over three years since my loss. I've even had a beautiful baby girl since then...bit I still feel it. I see a friend with a toddler and think, "He/She would be that age right now."
Does it ever go away? I don't know.
Do I ever want it to go away? I don't think so.
It's a part of who I am. Who I will always be...and that's not a bad thing.
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