Lately (with an 8 second clip of Noah singing!)

I've been so overwhelmed lately. It's not really just one thing either. It's lots of little things that have piled up and are making me feel like crawling into a corner and crying. Or inhaling an entire gallon of ice cream (which is why I haven't bought any...).
And I feel like I'm going to let somebody down. No one in particular. It just seems inevitable. If I focus on getting one thing done? Something else is going to suffer. For example, I'm doing pretty well trying to keep up with my business stuff. Photos are edited ahead of schedule, and I'm in the process of rebranding (which is stressful enough in and of itself...). But my house? Yeah, it looks like a family of 15 just ate at my house... then tried flushing an entire roll of toilet paper. And spilled veggie smoothie all over me. And picked at blue chalk, so there are little chalk bits on the floor. Oh, and the 15 people also decided to have a party all night long. Except those 15 people? They happen to be one toddler.

I just feel like there's not enough of me to go around.
I need like 3 more me's to make my life work out a little more smoothly (can I get an "Amen", mommas?!).

Noah had his IEP meeting Monday, and it went well. It's very laid back compared to what I've heard most meetings are like. His speech therapist wasn't even there for it. But I was happy with it overall. I think they sort of get a decent idea of where he's at. However, they're only with him for 30 minutes a week, so they don't get to see all of the successes we have at home. While I was there, I had Noah say his little phrases like, "Oh no, George!" and sing songs for them. They were stunned.

Seriously, where he is at this year compared to last year at this time? It's like having a completely different kid. He no longer lives like he's just existing in his own world, but he's present. He gives us spontaneous hugs and kisses. If I give him a choice between milk or water, he'll answer, "wa wa". If I give him simple directions, he's following them (for the most part... he IS still a toddler, after all. ha). He's added like 20 new words to his vocabulary in the last few weeks. I'm still waiting for "Ma-ma" to surface again. :)

Seeing as how the words are starting to come, we've decided to pay for private speech therapy, especially since school will be out soon. After next week, he wouldn't be getting anything until September. So after his IEP meeting, we had to run to the same place where his OT is at for a speech evaluation. Because he was sleep deprived, he wasn't quite on his A-game. But she did get a "ready, set, go!" out of him. :) I'm really excited about it, because she uses sensory integration as part of her speech therapy, which is perfect for him.

So that's where I've been. Add in a hospital visit for Brad a couple weeks ago (he's okay!), a much needed girls' night, Mother's Day, and Noah's sleep getting all messed up again... and well, that's why I haven't been blogging. Dude, I haven't even been reading blogs. I've missed my blog buds. :)

Hopefully I'll be back before another 2 weeks passes by.
And with that, I'll leave you with a quickie video of Noah singing. The song is from Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood (which, fyi, has been a total gift from God... his speech, social skills, and self-care skills have totally blossomed because of this show).

It goes, "I like you, I like you, I like you.... (then Noah finishes) Just the way you are!"

To the one who made me a momma...

There's this necklace I want very badly. It was made for us; it already has your name on it.

via

The fact that it has, "Love has no words..." etched into the silver? Well, it hits something deep in my heart. Because the fact is, Little Man, I haven't heard the word "Ma-ma" dance across those sweet lips of yours in a very long time. But the coolest part is that I don't need to hear it to know when you need me. In fact, even though I do a little dance with every new word or phrase that you surprise us with? They don't compare to the completely unprompted kisses you give. Or the way you still bury your head in the crook of my neck like an infant. Or how you reach those little arms around me when we hug, tugging as if I there's any possible way we could be any closer. When those beautiful eyes light up at the sight of me, it makes this mommy's heart soar.

 

Your sweetness knows no limits. Even those quiet little split-second fits most people would call a "tantrum" are cute. Your smile brightens even the worst of days, and people are automatically drawn to you. The Starbucks barista even lights up when she sees you coming for your weekly pumpkin bread, which she keeps in stock especially for you.

Little boy, you are such a gift. God is going to use you in amazing ways. You fill our home with lots of joy (and Curious George and cars and dirt...), and I'm just so thankful I get to be the one to help raise you. Thank you for making me a mom and giving me a reason to feel extra loved tomorrow.

Love you to the moon and back, sweetpea.

thoughts (aka, my kid is pretty awesome)

April happens to be Autism Awareness Month. Last Tuesday was World Autism Awareness Day (aka. "Light It Up Blue"). We put a light on our front porch, and we wore our blue proudly.

I think while people are generally more aware of autism, I'm not sure they actually know what it looks like. I know I didn't before Noah. I had no idea so much of it was sensory related. I didn't know parents with autistic kids were a lot like newborn parents... begging for sleep, but not sure when/if it'll happen. I didn't know how expensive it is. Or how frustrating it can be for these people, to have the words in your head but no way to get them out (thank God for therapy and technology though!!). There's just so much more to it than just knowing it exists.

And while, yes, all of those things are challenging sometimes; I think the hardest part of this walk (for me) has been feeling like people don't get to really know my kid. My funny, silly, tender-hearted, incredibly observant, smart kid. His innocence is astounding. He literally doesn't have a mean bone in his body.

I feel like, so often, people don't invest as much in him, because he has autism. They pat him on the head, tell him he's cute, and go back to doing their thing. It requires a little bit more effort to establish a relationship with him, so they don't bother. As if he won't notice. Nevermind that if he's thirsty, he will definitely tell you now, "ilk" or "wa-wa". Or that he loves to pretend he's an elephant or "O the Owl" from Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. He loves swimming, bikes, jumping, and anything dirty. If you want his attention, sing a song he knows. Most likely, he'll do the motions with you.
He loves to paint. He knows how to count and will include "sero" (zero). He loves to be tickled, and he likes it when people give him hugs. He feeds off of love and attention. You should see him beam with pride when he gets applause.

The reason most people don't see these things is because he can get overwhelmed with the sensory input. If we're out and about, there's usually a lot of noise to go along with it. It doesn't always freak him out, but it does cause him to retreat inward a little bit. He doesn't try to communicate as much, and he goes from one interesting thing to the next. Also, if we're in a new environment, he prefers to explore instead of interacting with others. Part of that may be autism, but I think part of that is also being a toddler.

Thankfully, I do have friends and family who put in the effort to get to know him. Unlike other kids, he does require a little more effort when bonding with him. My dad is a really awesome example of a perfect grandparent for him (not that the other grandparents aren't, just using him as an example for now). Noah LOVES my dad, because my dad does anything and everything he can to do what Noah wants to do (but do it with him). If Noah wants to bounce or jump? My dad (and stepmom) will go in their room to their massive bed, and my dad will lift Noah high in the air and toss him onto the bed. Noah absolutely loves it. My dad knows that Noah loves music and takes him to play my brother's drums. He lets Noah sit and play in their garden bed, even if it will eventually mean having to buy more dirt for it later on (lol).
He knows how much Noah loves ice cream, so even though they don't eat it, they always have a carton in the freezer. Just in case Noah stops by.

They play games, let him take over their house, and do whatever it takes to have a real relationship with him. And it works.

streams of consciousness

via

Noah's going through a weird diet phase right now.
Actually, it's more like a crap diet phase. He does this every once in a while, where all he wants to eat is crackers, chips, grilled cheese, and ice cream. Brad is a total pushover when it comes to Noah, which kind of sucks sometimes, because it means that I have to be the mean one. Brad took Noah to get some ice cream from McD's last night. So a few hours later, when Brad was in bed already, Noah asked me for ice cream. And of course, I told him no.

Noah doesn't really throw fits.
But oh my lordy. You would've thought I'd told him he's never ever having ice cream ever again. He fell on the floor and cried big, fat crocodile tears. Honestly, it's heartbreaking, because he's the embodiment of all that is innocent and right with the world. He doesn't understand that if he eats cartons of ice cream, that he'll get a belly ache. Or that his Dr will lecture me again for making him obese.

The frustrating part is that I know he likes healthy foods. If he's in the mood, he'll down an apple in 2 seconds. Same with grapes and bananas. In fact, at the store, he gets mad at me if I don't peel a banana for him right away (he hasn't quite figured out that "pay first" concept). I know for a fact that he likes peas and lima beans. But right now, he won't touch them. Heck, he's even refusing peanut butter. That's not normal for him.
Food is one of those things I've chosen not to make a massive deal about with him. Because the more I make it into an issue? The worse his diet may end up getting. So I wait it out. I stop buying kettle chips. Usually, we don't even keep ice cream at the house. I wait until he has nothing left to choose from but healthy options. Eat healthy or starve, basically. lol.

It'll all come back around again eventually. It always does. But man does that waiting period make me feel like a mom-failure.

***

My little sister turned 16 yesterday.
It's kind of surreal. Being a sister at 14 means you do much more in the ways of helping out than you would if you were a sister at 4. I changed this girl's diapers for cryin' out loud.
So it's weird to describe how I feel about her turning 16. She's not my kid, but at the same time, it's like she is. So part of me is all, "Cool! My sister's old enough to talk about more grown-up things!" while the other part is all, "No! She's supposed to stay a baby!" It's very confusing.

***

You ever feel like the kid on the playground that's wearing hand-me-downs and is all excited about last year's toy, while everyone else is in their designer jeans and talking about the latest iPhone apps?
Yeah, that's how I feel a lot of the time.
But honestly, it's not the stuff I care about. Not at all. It's the attitude of, "Wow are you missing out!" that surprises me. A friend of mine even fussed at Brad once for having a smartphone, while I have the freebie phone (seriously, I'm just happy mine texts). Nevermind that his is for work, and I really don't need a fancy phone. I've never cared much about being up to date on the latest and greatest. I grew up in a pretty privileged family, but my parents were the ones that decided when to spend and what on. Trust me, I enjoy shopping. But materialism really isn't my thing, especially when I know something newer and better will be along next year. Even in college, when I had "Daddy's credit card" on me 24/7, I never went on a spending spree. It was mostly for school books, gas, etc (gas, because I drove all around Charlotte carpooling my little brother and sister). When I saw a dress on sale that I liked? I'd call him first and ask. That happened twice.
Since being cut from the family bank account, I've had to learn a lot about money management. Brad has a lot to do with this, since he was the youngest in a family of eight. He's taught me a lot about wants vs needs.

We need to invest in Noah's therapy, so he can hopefully talk one day. We need to get new tires, so that we don't wreck. We need groceries to eat. We need to pay the water bill in order to take showers. We don't need to order Chinese, because we didn't feel like cooking. We don't need to buy a new car, because Brad's coworkers teased him about his clunker.

When it comes to how I run my photog business? I refuse to go into debt over it. It may take me longer to be really successful, because I'm not going to drop $30,000 on fancy equipment... but in the end, I'll have fewer headaches and get more sleep at night. (fyi, I'm not saying that everyone who does have all the fancy stuff is in debt. I just know there's no way for me to have it all without going into debt right now).
I buy what I need. If it's functional, and we have the money? I'm purchasing it. And I swear to you, God has blessed us for taking this route. I'm not saying this because I think we're super-Christians that are perfect and deserve to get on our high horse and tell everyone else what to do. I'm saying it because we're not. I've been tempted to drop $3000+ on a pro-grade camera. Brad was tempted to buy me a $1500+ laptop, because it was taking me 4 years to edit one picture on my old PC with the monitor from 1994. But in the end, we said no.

And lo and behold... Brad found a laptop on clearance at Target, complete with everything I need (adequate RAM, awesome graphics card, phenomenal processor...) for $250. And we had the money for that. It doesn't have an apple on it, but it definitely has what I need to process good, quality photos for clients.

So instead of feeling left out, I choose to be thankful. The whole thing is comical to me, watching these people beg to be included in whatever all the cool kids are doing or buying. Just because so-and-so photographer makes millions and edits on a MacBook doesn't mean that's the secret to their success.
Do I believe in staying current? Absolutely. Do I believe in going broke doing it? Nope.

And frankly, I kind of like the idea of being the poor, unknown photog that uses what little I have to become awesome.
Everyone loves a good underdog story. ;)

***

I love hearing Noah play with his Thomas engines and saying very seriously, "ANK YOU! ANK YOU!" Apparently, one of his engines needs a lesson in manners.

***

We have officially hit the paparazzi stage...

***

What my weekend shall consist of. And I'm kind of excited about it.

 

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Bubbles

While we were at Biltmore, I handed Noah one of those cheap plastic pinwheels at the toy store, just to see if he'd try to blow on it. And to my shock, he did.
For some reason, kids with autism don't seem to like certain activities like blowing bubbles or blowing out candles. Noah has yet to blow candles out on his birthday. I've read it could be sensory related or that they have low muscle tone in their face. At any rate, that's where we were at with Noah.

So on a whim last weekend, I decided to try getting him to blow bubbles again.

And HE DID!!

I know it seems like such a little thing to most people, but this is 2.5 years of work finally paying off. So I'm doing a little happy dance over here. He even says, "Bubbles" now... like perfectly.

Also, the way he blows bubbles? Adorable. His cheeks get all puffy and he sticks his lips out. So so cute. Also, if you're trying to work on fine motor skills with your kids? These bubble tubes are perfect.

So here he is, showing his new found talent:

Noah Update

 

 I've been wanting to do a Noah update for a while now, but it feels like every time I start a post, he does something new again!

His progress these last couple of weeks have been absolutely unreal. And compared to 6 months ago? He's like a different kid. Well, the same kid... but an enhanced version.

 

He's now repeating words, or at least attempting to. He'll take me to the freezer, and I'll ask if he wants a popsicle. His response: "Possssicle???" His little talking voice is so so cute. But he's going beyond just repetition and mimicking. He's actually using words to communicate now. Just the other night, he handed me the bubble bath container and said, "Bu-bu". He wanted bubbles in the bath, and he actually verbalized what he wanted. He knows who Jesus is, and he loves me to sing the Jesus Loves Me song. When I stop, he'll say, "Jesus". He thinks it's hilarious when I sign really fast.

 

He's picking up random phrases, and even though he may not understand what they mean yet, he's at least saying them. Every once in a while, he'll randomly start saying, "I know! I know!". So one night, I was changing his poopie diaper and told him he smelled... he responded, "I know!" haha

 

 

I'm not sure if any of you mommas out there have seen Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood yet, but that show? Totally sent from heaven. It's based off of Mr Roger's Neighborhood (they even kept the songs and characters on there). Anyway, they teach social skills, self-care (like brushing teeth), and routines. Every thing they do involves some sort of little song. Normally, I would think the songs are annoying (Brad goes around with their thank you song in his head constantly, lol), but I can't even begin to explain how much it's helped Noah. Now when it's bedtime, I'll say, "Okay, let's go brush your teeth..." and he immediately runs into the bathroom, ready to brush his own teeth. Of course I have to do a follow up brush, but the fact that he's showing that kind of independence is so awesome. The other night, he was watching an episode where they were preparing a fruit bowl. Daniel Tiger asked where the strawberries were on the plate. Noah didn't know that one, but he did see the apple and bananas sitting there, so he responded to the tv, "Apple! Nana!"

And I proceeded to fall on the floor into a weepy mess. No not really. But this kid definitely gets his own cheerleading squad every time he does something awesome like that.

 

 

His therapists are noticing all of the changes going on too. His special ed teacher told me how he seems to be progressing so much from week to week. Brad took Noah to his OT appointment last week, and she told him she could tell I've been working with him.

 

He can now trace almost all of the letters of the alphabet on his ipad and all of the numbers. He can still count up to 30 (I think he can go higher, but we can't understand the numbers after that) and go all the way back down. He's learning to spell certain words (thanks to the ipad), and those letters make sense to him that way.

 

 

He's seeking out social interaction with others, which makes me want to cry. I know he wants friends, but it's hard for him. And that part makes me sad. We joined a little playgroup recently, so I'm really hoping he'll find some good friends there. If anything, watching him be accepted by other kids will make this momma's heart hurt a little less for him. Kids love to play with him, but they get bored easily, since he doesn't understand phrases like, "Let's pretend you the monster, and I'm the princess..." or "Let's play duck duck goose". And for the first time last week, when other kids walked away, he stopped to see where they went. So this is happy and sad news. Happy that he wants to play with others, sad because he doesn't know how quite yet.

But it doesn't seem to bother him too much. He just keeps on playing, just as cheerful as ever. Seriously, this kid's attitude is amazing. That's the first thing that strikes people about him... his sweet personality and smiles. He can do no wrong. :)

 

I just love this kid more than I can even say. His progress has just amazed me, and it's only going to get better from here. He has the purest little heart, and that's going to take him so far in life.

 

 

Have a happy weekend, friends!

xoxo.

Better late than never?

Um, hi.
Y'all still there?

I really didn't mean to take such a long break from blogging. It just kinda happened. And honestly? It's been nice. We've had lots of good quality time together... impromptu trips to the mall, playtime at the park, and pillow forts on those freezing rainy days... the good stuff. There have been times where I felt like my head might explode if I didn't sit down and write something. But overall, it's been nice to shut the computer off and chill with my family.

Noah's schedule has been a mess since Christmas. The other night, he slept from 1:30am - 5am. Then was up till 9:30am. Then slept until 2pm. Most nights, we haven't gotten to bed before 3am. Yeah, total mess. He's also given up naps, so my free time to sit and write has been limited. And in an effort to embrace the new year resolution vibes swirling around, I've been busy re-organizing, rearranging, and revamping the house.

So. I'm really behind. Like really really. Christmas was what? Two, three weeks ago? In any case, I started this blog to document our life, and I need to hurry up and do that before I forget. So here goes. Few words, lots of pictures. And no, they're not perfect. But I wasn't going for perfection. I was going for remembering. :)      

Dad's Birthday.
My dad was born on the 18th, and we always try to make a point to celebrate it separately from Christmas. So each year, we (my little family, my brother, and two step-sisters with their boyfriends) head on over to my dad's for a little party.

We don't buy ice cream at our house. Mainly because it's my weakness, and I'd be 500 lbs if we bought it. But Noah knows exactly where his grandparents keep their ice cream. He'll drag us to the freezer, over and over again, and point to the ice cream box. If he's able to reach it, he'll grab it out of the freezer and bring it to us. Clearly, the boy got it honest.

I love watching my dad with Noah. He's never had any issues bonding with Noah, despite the fact that Noah doesn't talk yet. He gets him... what makes him tick, how he likes to play, how to make that little face light up. He understands that it takes a little bit more effort to bond with Noah, and he enjoys putting in that effort. He and Noah have a very special relationship, and I love that.

Christmas Eve.
We always do Christmas Eve with my parents. It leaves us with fewer places to run to on Christmas Day without losing that Christmas-y feel.

First up was my dad's. We had given them a couple ideas of what to get Noah this year. He loves shape sorters, so they got him this Melissa & Doug one that's a little more challenging. They also gave him one of his favorite OT toys... veggies that you slice with a (play) knife. He plays with it constantly.

 However, they surprised us with one of their gifts. They originally planned on getting him a rocking horse, but they couldn't find what they were looking for. My stepmom happens to drive a little Mini Cooper. So when they saw this, they couldn't resist...

Noah loves it! Actually, he got annoyed with Brad, because he wasn't putting it together fast enough. :)

As for us, my dad got me a flash for my camera... not a Nikon, obviously, since those are super expensive. It's a Vivitar, which he says he used for his pro-level camera back in the day. I've had some time to play with it, and I'm loving it so far. I'm more of a natural light photographer, but I'm wanting to learn more OCF techniques. Sorry, I'm going totally off topic.
When we first drove up, there was a HUGE ladder propped up against the house with a big red bow and a tag with Brad's name on it. He's always having to borrow big ladders to clean gutters and all that on our house. It was the one thing I told my parents Brad needed, so I thought it was a great way to give it to him.

My Mom's.
After we visit my dad, we head straight to my mom's house, who lives about 5 minutes away. My grandmother (aka "MamMaw") usually spends the night there on Christmas Eve, and we have a PJ party. My mom makes sandwiches and appetizers, and my stepdad builds a fire. We have a cozy night in, and it's one of my favorite traditions. This year, my younger cousin Cameron was staying with my MamMaw, so we decided not to make him feel weird by being the only one in normal clothes. But my little sister kept the tradition alive. ;)

Seriously, this photo sums up my mom's personality. Totally.

This year, we asked them to help us out by getting Noah an iPad. We were really stressing about how we were going to afford one, even an older version. All the Craigs List ads were sketchy, and retailers have to price them all the same, so no major sales. We asked them to just take whatever they'd normally spend on us and put it towards an iPad. When my mom asked my stepdad about it, he told her to tell us not to worry about it. They'd go out and buy one, no questions asked. In his words, "Anything for that sweet boy..."

(testing it out)

It's been such a hit with Noah. He has several favorite apps, but the one I'm most impressed with has been the spelling app by TouchAutism.com. Noah didn't know his ABC's at all before. He still doesn't know them in order. But this app has taught him what the letters are, so if I say "A" or "F", he immediately points to those letters. Honestly, I think it makes more sense to him this way. Before, they're just arbitrary letters with no meaning. He gets numbers, because they make sense to him. They have a purpose. Put the letters in a specific order, and they suddenly mean something for him. Anyway, it's pretty amazing.

And of course, they still ended up giving us a Christmas. My mom has a problem with seeing her kids not open something on Christmas. They were super awesome and got me a Keurig (hallelujah! see above paragraph about Noah's sleep issues...) and a few other nice things. Knowing Brad needed a tall ladder, they gave him a gift card to Lowes (thank goodness we didn't end up with two huge ladders, lol!).

My mom's house at Christmas (the house I grew up in, and the house Brad proposed to me in front of)...

"Clark, is your house on fire??"

Christmas Day.
I was up until 4am building that firehouse. Brad and Noah crashed when we got home, and I realized Noah's big present wasn't put together yet. I sure wish Santa would bring this stuff pre-assembled. *Ahem*

But it was so worth it. Noah thought it was the coolest thing ever. He loves simple toys, preferably with a vintage feel to it. So I knew this would be a hit.
The only thing I didn't get for Noah that I wanted were cute Christmas PJ's. By the time I got around to looking, all the cute ones were gone. So I had to make do with what we had. Hey, he's wearing red. I count that as a win.

 

 

There was only one thing that Noah really wanted this year, which I didn't find out about until a few days before. Again with the vintage taste. Thank God for Craigs List.

After our little morning together, we always head on over to my grandparents' house where we meet up with all my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc for lunch and gifts.

 

 

Brad's parents came over that night for dinner and presents. I didn't really get any pictures, since we were all pretty tired by that point.

Hope y'all had a great Christmas and Happy New Year!!