overcoming

It's been four months since the miscarriage. Some days it feels like it all just happened; while other days, it feels like a lifetime ago.
For the most part, I'm doing okay. I don't tend to dwell on things that make me sad or angry. It's a coping/survival mechanism. Put on a happy face and all that. However the flip side is that I've learned through the years to bottle up how I feel. I push the feelings way down so people won't make me uncomfortable by asking personal questions. Even though I know the intentions are good, I'm a pretty private person. I try to choose what I share very carefully and to whom. There are all kinds of reasons as to why I'm like this, but like I said, I try not to dwell on the negative. Let's just say I'm broken (heck, who isn't?) and God puts me back together on an almost daily basis.

For the most part, I'm doing really well. I'll go a couple of weeks without even thinking about it...

And then there are the reminders.
Friends and family who are due the same time I was. Glowing, smiling, happy faces with perfect beating hearts and round bellies. Constant updates from pregnant friends or people who just had babies. Heck, just a Kelle Hampton post with adorable newborn pictures of her baby boy get to me.

It stings.
That's really the only way I can put it.

I don't resent my friends. Not at all. In fact, I'm extremely happy for them.
I didn't get upset or angry at the newborn shoot I did a few weeks ago. In fact, it was a little therapeutic.
But the fact remains that I was expecting to be halfway through a pregnancy by now. I was ready to plan a nursery. We were already playing with names. And to go through the nausea and fatigue and heartburn... and have nothing to show for it? Yeah, it kind of sucks.

Found this lurking around the blogosphere the other night, and it resonated with me...

 “Because the truth is that once you see that second pink line…you set a place at the table for your baby.” - Jeanette

It's true.

Life goes on, and thankfully, I have a dang good life to lead. But I try to be real on here, just in case someone happens to come across this blog, wondering if it's weird that they're still sad about their miscarriage after several months have gone by?
Yeah, you're totally normal. Grieve, even when it strikes in odd moments and places. And know that there's still hope. Your story isn't over yet, and God has a great way of turning sadness into joy. Winter into Spring. Crucifixion into a Resurrection. Law into Grace. If you're a believer, you know there's a happy ending anyway. It may not always look the way you thought or how you originally wanted, but it's always good. Because He is good.

 



via

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

decluttering my head

I'm so out of my workout groove. I quit running after the miscarriage, and I obviously just lost all motivation. Then the holidays hit, and frankly, it seemed like a lost cause. I would've just been working out as an excuse to eat food. And let's face it, Christmas only comes once a year, and there's no way in H-E-doublehockeystick that I'm gonna pass up my aunt's sweet potato casserole (don't let the name fool you... it's loaded with butter and sugar... and oh-so-good).

But all that's over now. Pretty sure the lady lumps I've acquired aren't quite what Fergie was referring to, so I hopped back on the treadmill a few days ago for the first time. And I swear I thought I was going to die. The strength is there, but the endurance? Eh, notsomuch. My sides were cramping, and I only went like 2 miles. I guess that's not bad, but I was hoping for more. I'm an overachiever that way I guess.

***
 I finally jumped on the Downton Abbey bandwagon. I spent a couple days catching up on past seasons, and by the end of it, I was worried I was going to start accidentally speaking in a British accent. Except with a Southern twang. I'm sure that would've been super hot.
The show is addictive and really good. The only down side is that it stresses me out. That's an awful lot of drama to throw into one show. I seriously can't watch it before bed, because it makes me all anxious.

***
If you were following the news/weather at all last week, you probably heard about our big fat blizzard we had (#sarcasmfont). I love it when it snows. We rarely ever get any, so come January, most Southerners get all excited if there's even the slightest chance of some.

Yeah. Our area got a few flurries, but that was it.

Womp, womp.

(source unknown)

And while we're on the subject, I'd like to get something off my chest.

Northern and western transplants to our area like to give us a really hard time about our snow excitement. I saw a few calling us "idiots". But frankly, it's usually the transplants that my brother spends all day hauling out of ditches every time it snows. They figure they're super experienced and can drive on slush-covered roads.
If they saw our one little makeshift snow plow? They may understand why most of us stock up on groceries and refuse to come out of the house for two days. ;)

***

You know how most toddlers get really quiet, and that's how you know they're up to something? Well, I think we finally hit that stage with Noah.
He's usually pretty chill, so when he got quiet last week, I assumed he was just playing in his room. I went to go check on him, and to my horror, I walked in to a poop fest. Noah wanted to tap into his inner artist, but since he couldn't get to his paint or crayons, he got resourceful.
It was all over him, smeared into the carpet, on his bedroom door...

He's never done anything like that before (and it doesn't really have anything to do with autism. I've heard of typical kids doing this too). I guess there's a first time for everything, but I'm hoping there's a LAST time for everything too.

***
So remember Noah's Mini Cooper my dad and stepmom got him for Christmas? Well, our driveway isn't really ideal, since it's kind of short and goes to the road. I decided to take it over to my dad's and let Noah test drive it there.
He really liked riding around in it, but he hasn't quite gotten the hang of steering yet. He knows how to make it stop and go, but he's rather go hands-free and chill as he cruises.
Cracked us up.

Happy Monday (and MLK Day)!

reevaluating

Since becoming pregnant and then going through the miscarriage, I've had plenty of time to think. While I was pregnant for those 10 weeks, I started noticing things. Things in my day-to-day life that made me nervous to have another baby. Don't get me wrong, I wanted that baby. If I were still pregnant, I would find a way to figure it out. To work around the challenges.

But still, there were definite issues popping up. Like how much and how often I have to pick up and carry Noah. It may be hard to tell from pictures on a blog, but Noah measures at 3 and 1/2 ft tall. He weighs 42 lbs. My little toddler isn't little by any means. He's a tall, hefty kid.
Unfortunately, there wasn't really any way around it either. Noah doesn't quite understand certain directions. So when I ask him to get in his car seat, he'll just start goofing off and looking for toys he dropped in the floorboard. I was having to physically pick him up and put him in his car seat. Sometimes when we're out, he'll see a pile of rocks or dirt that he'll want to play in. Obviously, if we're in a parking lot or some other not-so-safe area, this isn't too convenient. The only way for me to separate him from the dirt is to pick him up and carry him away. It made me worry, but I kept telling myself that my body was used to it (and it is, you should feel my arm muscles).

I also started worrying about Noah's sleep issues.
Autism plus a newborn was going to give a whole new meaning to sleep deprivation. Noah has been doing slightly better. He still stays up way too late, but at least he's starting to sleep for solid chunks of time again. However, it's not always consistent. Last Saturday night, Noah went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 4am. He didn't go back down until 9am.
Throw a newborn into that ridiculousness, and you might as well have gone ahead and ordered me some purple pills. This momma was going to need 'em.

Like I said, I would've figured it out. But while I was pregnant, I gained some perspective. I realized that even though I'm emotionally ready... logistically? Yeah. So not there yet.

I talked to my OB about my concerns at my last follow-up. I asked her about picking Noah up (she's met him), and her response was, "Well, you wouldn't want to be picking him up often or on a daily basis..."
And that just confirmed it.

Noah has come a long way in just a few months. There's no telling where he'll be in another few months, or even a year. But I've definitely decided that babies are going to be put on hold for a little while longer. I've said before that I'm not on any sort of schedule or time frame. My two siblings and I are all spaced apart by at least 7 years. Last weekend, I photographed a family with a 6 yr old and a 3 mth old. I've never thought that I've had to had my kids really close together, and I certainly don't think that now. Every family is different, and right now for my own health and sanity, we're going to remain a little family of three for a little bit longer. :)

An update.

(This post has a bit of girly TMI, so if you're a single guy... which I'd be shocked if I had single male readers... or easily grossed out, you've had fair warning).

A slight correction on the procedure... I had a D&E, not a D&C.

I don't particularly like hospitals, nursing homes, doctors' offices. Heck, even the dentist. There are too many odd, beeping, scary-looking contraptions that just make me nervous. I've been in way too many with Brad, and while I'm thankful they exist, they're not my favorite.
But I have to say, the surgery center I went to was extremely nice. I got changed, they stuck me in a recliner, gave me a warm blanket, and turned on some daytime tv. So yeah, I sat there and watched tv for 2 hours while I waited.

The medical staff was wonderful, my favorite being the anethesiologist and his nurse. I like male nurses. While female nurses are hit-or-miss... most being great, with their comforting ways and all; I find that male nurses bring the sense of humor I need to calm my nerves. Comfort is nice, but give me a guy that can have me laughing in spite of the reason I'm there? Yes please.
He was also awesome, because he gave me the step-by-step, play-by-play of what to expect. Brad stayed with me until I went into the OR, so that was nice.

The last thing I remember was lying down, looking at my anethesiologist nurse/buddy and saying, "Oh, you hit the trigger already, didn't you?" And I was out.

After it was over, my OB met with Brad in the waiting room to update him on how I was doing. She said that I bled more than expected (sorry, TMI). Honestly? That little detail alone just confirmed that I made the right decision not to wait it out. I tend to be anemic (yet refuse to take iron supplements, because they make me sick... blech). Throughout my high school and college years, I would get debilitating cramps (and have to be sent home because of them), would black out, turn (even more) pale, see stars, etc when I'd get my period. So I could've been in real trouble and ended up in the hospital anyway. It's nice to have your decisions backed up by yourself. :)

I woke up in the recovery room alone. I kept hearing how I'd be groggy and not remember anything, but I actually remember everything. They were pretty shocked at how quickly I recovered from the anethesia. I talked just fine, and I remember everything we discussed. The nurse lives in the same small town my aunt and uncle do. She moved here from CA, because she hated the craziness and wanted a small-town, slow, Southern lifestyle. She explained my meds to Brad and me, gave me something to drink, and some kids pain reliever (easier on the tummy, apparently).

Within 15-20 minutes, they were wheeling me out to the car (and thankfully didn't tip the wheelchair and dump me out like my nurse-buddy said they would).

Brad has been so amazing through all of this. So when he got to the car and asked if he could stop by the Target (right around the corner) to pick up the latest Call of Duty game, I of course said yes. I mean, he had to pick up my meds anyway, so it just made sense. ;)

Considering I hadn't eaten since 6pm the day before, he ran in and got me a muffin from Starbucks to hold me over until we could stop somewhere good.
I was still a little lightheaded and tired, so I just stayed in the car.
Afterwards, we ran by Subway where I asked him to load up my sandwich with meat, spinach, and veggies (my own way of dealing with anemia). And like a good husband, he also came back with a cookie. :)

I spent the remainder of the day in bed, watching movies, and just resting. Brad went to get Noah from my mom's that evening, then stopped by his parents to install a new tv for them. My mom had let Noah take a nap from 3-7 (gee thanks, mom...), so I told Brad to go over there since it might help wear Noah out a little. Turns out, his mom's blood sugar was dropping fast, and his dad wasn't there at the time to help. So it was perfect timing.

All in all, everything went well. Brad has to work today, so it's just Noah and me again. I'm hoping he's cool with hanging out here all day. I'm doing fine, just taking it easy.

I'm so thankful for all the sweet comments, texts, emails, phone calls, and messages I've gotten. It's been a huge help during all of this. So thank you. :)

things in my head.

Things going through my head at the moment:

- Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the sweet and supportive texts, emails, FB messages/comments, phone calls, etc. While this was definitely not a happy time for us, all of our friends and family showing love certainly helped.

- It's amazing how many women have gone through miscarriages, yet never discuss it. Stories were coming out of the woodwork, and I wondered if it was just as helpful for them to share their experience as it was for me to hear them.

- My husband is amazing. Brad has been a total rock for me. Grabbing us fun dinners, not judging me as I drown my sorrows in chocolate ice cream, taking Noah out so I could have some much needed alone time... the man is my hero.

- Along that note, I've eaten a ridiculous amount of crap in the last several days.

- I've been scheduled for a D&C tomorrow. After doing way too much googling, thinking, stressing, and talking to friends who have been there; I decided this is the best option for me, especially considering how far along I was (apparently, the further along you are, the worse the pain). I need help moving on, and frankly, this waiting game is enough to make a person go insane. On Tuesday, it'll have been almost a week since I'd found out. The OB didn't give me any indication as to how far along the baby actually was, but I saw on the screen last week (fyi, super traumatizing for me...). It had definitely grown after our initial 7 wk visit where we heard the heartbeat. Despite this, I haven't had any signs or symptoms, and the possibility that it could happen anytime and anywhere kind of freaks me out. Because of my lack of symptoms so far, a couple people have asked if "I'm sure". Um yeah. Like I said, I saw my baby... with no heartbeat...for several minutes. I don't think it gets any more final than that. With Noah having therapy almost every day, along with Thanksgiving being right around the corner, I think I'd make myself crazy worrying. So surgery it is.

- I'm a little nervous. I'm actually more nervous about the anethesia than I am about the actual surgery itself. I've never been knocked out before, and I don't like the idea of not being in control. But my mom has had two of these, and every one I've talked to has nothing but good things to say about their experience.

- Christmas makes me happy. I've been listening to Christmas music a lot, and every time we go through the Christmas section at Target, I get all excited and happy. I love Thanksgiving, but I think this year, it's imperative that I start Christmas a little early. Our mantle is already halfway decorated, and I love it. I'm going for a different look this year, and I'm excited about it. Got us new stockings amd everything.

- I skipped out on both a bridal and baby shower over the weekend. It sucks, because I was really looking forward to them. But at the same time, I didn't want to be the weirdo sobbing in the corner while everyone else ooo'ed and aah'ed over baby booties and onesies.

- I'm incredibly thankful I made a board on Pinterest for all the things I find hilarious. I went through them the other night and was in stitches.

- I'm in my hibernation stage. When I get depressed about something, I hide. It's how I cope. I don't like talking to people or going out. I just want to be alone. I'm trying to push passed it though. Like I said, I've been out to Target and the grocery store.

- It helps to focus on things I'm thankful for right now. And honestly, it really has hit me how much of a gift Noah really is. I've been soaking up all of his sweet kisses and silliness. He's been making huge strides lately, but more on that later.

- If you're looking for some Thanksgiving type food to prep for the holiday, I've got a post up over at the Poop Whisperer with the best sweet potato casserole recipe ever. Seriously, my neice's boyfriend remembered it from last year and specifically requested I make it again this year. It's that good.

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Will update later.

sad.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a routine check-up... get some blood drawn, get a flu shot, etc. They do a lot of ultrasounds at my OB office, so she went ahead and wheeled in the machie wanted to get a good look at the baby, check the heartbeat, and make sure we were both doing okay.

 

Unfortunately, there was no heartbeat.

 

While I know things will be okay, and my emotions will get back to normal eventually, right now I'm just so very sad. And disappointed.

I hate that I was alone when I found out, other than Noah who was too busy leaning against the window, enjoying the cool view of the city. But my OB is amazing.

She's a mom and gets it. She kept telling me over and over how sorry she was. Then she gave me the biggest hug, promising me that it was nothing I had done or didn't do. She proceeded to explain my options, and she told me to call her at any time if I needed her for anything. I was told how this is more common than people think (it's just not talked about much, which is stupid).

At this point, I've opted to let my body handle everything naturally. It just seems like the least scary/painful choice.

 

I did a decent job of holding it all together, more for Noah than for myself. I didn't want to freak him out and make him associate that place with mommy crying.

Although if you're ever in a situation like this, I don't recommend trying to drive while this upset. The sadness would come in small hits, and it was difficult to pay attention (and at some points see beyond the tears).

 

The hardest part though (aside from the actual news) was waiting for Brad to get home from work. Technically, he was scheduled to have yesterday off, but then the store needed him for some big visit. After being there for 10 hours, I was hoping he'd be headed home. But no. Target likes to put a massive damper on our lives at important times. And it's not like I could text him and be all "Come home ASAP" or "I need you", because then he'd know. I definitely did not want my husband to find out via a text message.

As soon as he got out of the store, he called. His first words were, "So how did the doctor's go?" And I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Somehow he heard my words, even though they probably didn't come out sounding the way I wanted.

We're doing okay. Just sad, mixed with some hurt and anger (the news got out on FB before we were ready to share). Just keep us in your prayers, for peace and forgiveness.


"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord" Job 1:21